Siti Aisyah

what is life without love, friendships, experiences and awsesome good food!

To You

Thank you for entering my life and reminding me of something I’ve always believed in and that is: “Trust is the foundation of every relationship”.

I may not know you, I may have never seen you but I know the person that you are. Do you realise the consequences of your actions? Did you realised that you took away a husband from his wife and a father from his children? He wasn’t shy about the lies and what kind of relationship may we base ours into when it’s all filled on lies? He blames us for not trusting him when it’s our trust that he violated in the first place.

Deep inside, I truly wish I could hurt you with my own hands and make you feel the pain that you’ve caused my mother and family. I wish I could humiliate you in front of your loved ones and show them the person you are but I won’t. I don’t want to be like you or worse. I know in time I will forgive my father for what he has done seeing that he is my father and my family. But you, I will never ever forgive you for what you have done. I will never forgive you for the tears of my mother’s, my sister’s and my own. I will never ever forgive you for the sleepless nights, the endless heated arguments between my parents and the way you snatched away our family’s happiness.

You are not worth anyone’s time neither are you worth anyone’s attention. I hope you will soon realise what you did. I will not wish you happiness. I will not wish anything for you. You are not deserving of any of it.

A.

Beyond control

I wish it didn’t happen. I wish it didn’t turn out to be this way. I wish it was all still well. Yes, I wish.

Wishing for something would not change anything. I couldn’t turn back time to undo what has been done. Is it too late? Sometimes I ask myself that but do I bother? That’s another concern.

At this point of time, I’ve lost hope to believe that things would get better. I don’t wish to call myself a pessimist but rather, a realist. In the end, you could still see the cracks on a broken glass. I’ve faced my own fair share of heartbreaks to realise this and I don’t doubt my parents would be able to see it too.

It’s painful to lose something which has been a great of your life. But it’s inevitable. You will lose it eventually. It’s just a matter of time but in this case, a choice. I will lose it sooner than I would expect to which is a great disappointment. But it’s not the first disappointment for me so I’ll live and move on. My family on the other hand, especially my mother, is unimaginable. I feel terrible for her. For what she’s going through.

I just wish he thought about it before he did what he did. But his actions and decisions are beyond anyone’s control and if only he could see how it affects all of us and get out of his denial.

why?

Initially, I wanted to write this in the most subtle way possible but I just can’t seem to put all these words together. So let me just say this out: My dad is having an affair. Yes, I never thought I would say this out straight but I did. I don’t know what to feel anymore. I’m entirely confused. But i’m utterly devastated and disappointed with my father. I wasn’t shocked but was still surprised. I’m angry. Sighs~

I keep asking myself why. How could all these happen to my family? Why my family? Why my mum?

Of all things that could break me is the sight of my mum’s broken heart. Her silent screams. How could someone do this to the person that they have been married to for more than 20 years? Someone who has stayed by their side, raised a family together and committed to each other till death shall they part? How could you hurt them so much? It’s unbearable.  Where has the love faded to?

When his actions are questioned by my mother, he will always take that woman’s side saying that she’s not at wrong and it was all his fault. How much more hurt is he intending to cause my mother by saying all these? Doesn’t he realise that they are both at wrong?

I want to hurt that woman so much. I really do. She’s the cause of all these pain and the reason why this family is breaking apart. The one who took away our smiles and laughter. The reason why I’m starting to resent my father. All my life I would never expect I would ever say that. But things will never be the same. I am resenting him because he put that woman before us, his family, our family. He would rather choose her side then ours.

How could he do this to us? To my mother?

What defines a relationship

The length of time a couple spends together doesn’t define the relationship.

It’s the times when you both thought that it doesn’t make sense to stay but still manage to overcome every obstacle and realise that that person is someone worth fighting for.

MH17 Tragedy

I never understood how weapons of mass destruction would benefit anyone unless they are hungry for power.

Tragically these devices couldn’t differentiate between the right and wrong people. Otherwise, such catastrophe would be much avoided.

We were blessed with brains so that we could our intelligence to do good in the world. Whomever thought these devices are of any benefit to humankind, I wish he could have lived today to see the effect of his actions.

I’ve battled self confidence all my life. I feared that I’m not good enough for the world but fear is a mind game of ours and it is all that is stopping us from being great.

Why does the image of you screaming at me comes back? Why does it still haunts me?

Why does it still scares me when a guy gets angry at me?

When it isn’t you.

It hasn’t been the best of days. That’s one thing I am certain of. 

I am not here to rant about how miserable my life is but my thoughts and feelings, I need to let it out somewhere before I actually go mental. Some of you might think why not talk it over with your bestfriend in private. Unfortunately, I don’t have the luxury of having such time in my life. Actually, I don’t like to share my personal thoughts or problems to my friends as I feel like a whiny person when I do. In summary, I tend to hold back on most of it.

Lately, my time has been used reflecting back on myself as a person. Seeing the people around me with great people surrounding them, makes me envy the life they have. Not that I am saying that I don’t have amazing set of people around me but I look back and ask myself ‘is it me?’ Am I the one pushing everyone away? Or am I the one who isn’t trying to keep the friendships that I have? Or am I just not worth their time? 

Looking back, I realised that I lost so many people in my life. People who were once close to me. These people would be the ones I find when I need someone to talk to or vice versa. But now, we are practically strangers. How did it change so fast? Is it the responsibilities of adulthood that pulled us away from each other? Or the lost of chemistry? 

I couldn’t pin it to the exact answer. It saddens me to know that this is happening but what am I to do? I couldn’t make everyone like me right? It’s either they do or they don’t. 

All in all, I feel like I am just a dull person to be around with. Sometimes I even face the problem in holding a good conversation. I wish i could do better. Opening up to people isn’t my forte. It takes time. And I wish people aren’t so judgy with me especially with my face. I’m not the smiling sort or the chatty one. I’m just a really reserved person.

Oh well.

Hush hush~

My heart is screaming but my lips stays shut.

A modern day lovestory

In my entire life, never did I think I would experience what I had this past year. Amazingly enough, I am proud to say that I have found the one. Rather bold statement coming from someone isn’t it? But I’m pretty convinced that this will forever.

I would say it is a modern love story where a boy and girl fall in love after having known each other over the internet. Thankfully, our society has grown to be more accepting but we still have a handful of people whose skeptical thoughts just washes down their faces when this is mentioned.  But this is just the tip of the iceberg. You should see their reaction when ‘LDR’ comes into the picture. You could hear the alarm sirens wailing away in their minds like a catastrophic event has just happened. It’s always a laugh for me because this is my love story.

Where are we from?

My boyfriend is from Netherlands, infamous for their tulips, windmills, flatlands, dykes, cheese, stroopwafels.

And myself, I am from Singapore. A small island city that is not visible in the world map and nowhere in China. We are famous for good food, hot weather, called as a garden city and unfortunately, getting fines for everything. It is also where you could find the Marina Bay Sands Hotel, the ship at the top of the hotel.

So, a Dutchman and an Asian girl.

How did we meet?

TWITTER! We got to know each other years ago when both of our existence is known but we never really spoke to each other apart from our random tweets to one another about unimportant things that we surprisingly still could remember.

Apparently, he left an impression on me which explains why I could always remember him even though our interactions were minimal. However, we lost contact the past years and got in touch by twitter again using my new account when I saw his profile in the ‘suggested’ list.

I was shocked that I didn’t actually follow him so when I sent him some tweets, I actually got butterflies when he replied. I know it’s a teenager moment! But I swear, I have never ever felt so excited or nervous and anxious. I realized that I had a crush on this guy.

Over time, twitter mentions turned to DMs then changed to skype which in turn led to whatsapp. At this point of time, we talked to each other almost every single day. You might wonder what were we talking about but honestly, it was the most random things like how much we love to travel, how our days were, what would we do if today was the last day on earth and the topics go on.

What I realized was that I could tell him about anything and I know he would never judge me. I could actually be myself.

We became close in the beginning of 2013 when my life was falling apart and he became my confidant.  I shared with him, my deepest feelings and thoughts.  What was more amazing was the fact that he would always be there regardless.  

And I knew I was falling in love.

When did it happen?

It was a Tuesday morning. I was in the office, busy with work and texting him (multi-tasking) when he asked me.

What was crazy about this entire thing was that we have yet to meet each other in person, go on a proper date and even had a conversation about how relationship talks shouldn’t be on the table till we both seen each other but I said yes without hesitation.

Deep down, I knew I wanted this person because he is all I ever imagined. Without a reasonable doubt, I wanted to be in this with him.

Foolish? I doubt so because letting him go would be.

The first time we met

When he came to Singapore on October 2013 to meet me for the very first time, it was so surreal. I couldn’t believe that it was actually happening. I recalled when I was waiting for him at the airport, I was so bloody nervous that my legs felt like jelly. I wanted to see him but I was also concerned if he would like me. 10 minutes felt like forever. My tummy was all twisted and I wanted to throw up.

Some friends from twitter joined in my anxiety whilst I was waiting for him. They all wanted to be the first to know. It was so exciting!

Finally, I saw him! I saw him walking to get his luggage which took forever and once he had it in hand, he made his way out of the door. In the midst of the craziness, I actually didn’t know how to react. Instead my brain decided to wake up and I ran to him which was welcomed by his warm hug.

Tears of joy! I will never forget that very day.

He asked me to be his girlfriend again and of course, I said yes!

2 April 2014

Today is an important day for us as it marks a year we have been together and I hope for many more years to come.

Forget the distance when you mean so much to me.

Image

 

Ik hou van jou mijn lieverd <3

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